Author Archives: Emily

ghost child

Posted on January 12, 2011 by Emily

This evening as I was leaving work, one of my colleagues, who was my office-mate when my nephew was born six years ago, asked me how he was doing. Actually, her exact words were, “How’s my man doing?,” and I … Continue reading →

Posted in adoption, Family, Film, Infertility, Life After Cancer | Tagged adoption, Bubz Junior, chemotherapy, dreams, fertility treatment, genes, ghost child, gratitude, grief, infertility, menopause, nephew, peace, pregnancy, Rabbit Hole | 2 Comments

echo chamber

Posted on January 9, 2011 by Emily

Words have never come with greater difficulty than they have in the weeks following the death of a fellow young adult cancer warrior with whom I shared an essential but hard to define connection. I didn’t know her well, but … Continue reading →

Posted in Death, fellow fighters, Life After Cancer, running | Tagged abyss, chemo, Chris Ward Blumer, Christmas, Death, demons, fate, fellow warriors, hangover, indignities, New Year's Eve, post traumatic stress, razor's edge, short ribs, slow cooker, trauma | 2 Comments

chris ward blumer, fallen angel

Posted on December 30, 2010 by Emily

I want to talk about my friend Chris, who died earlier this week. She and I connected early on in my days on Planet Cancer; she was newly diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic colon cancer when I was undergoing treatment … Continue reading →

Posted in Death, fellow fighters, Life After Cancer | Tagged Chicago, Chris Ward Blumer, Cubs, Facebook, fallen angel, Fred the Hot Tranny Mess, Humor, Northwestern, Planet Cancer, stage IV metastatic colon cancer, theater, tumor assassin, Twitter, wine, WineDiva, Wrigleyville | 7 Comments

looks can be deceiving

Posted on December 19, 2010 by Emily

There’s a funny sort of game that we play with our fellow survivors – those kickers of cancer ass with whom we share such powerful affinity. It’s an endless back-and-forth of affirmation, of reminding one another of the strength and … Continue reading →

Posted in fellow fighters, Life After Cancer | Tagged affinity, anger, baggage, Cooper River, defiance, ecstasy, eye of the beholder, fear, grace, guilt, horror movie, insecurity, irony, life-affirming, sadness, surveillance, terror | 6 Comments

baby steps

Posted on December 15, 2010 by Emily

My inclination at the moment is to stack up today’s minor emotional setback against the nightmares that so many other fighters and survivors are enduring, and just let it go. It’s almost embarrassing to admit these feelings, but I … Continue reading →

Posted in adoption, Infertility, Work | Tagged baby shower, booties, fumbling, menopausal, normalcy, oohing and aahing, parenthood, pregnant co-workers | 1 Comment

inarticulate speech of the heart

Posted on December 11, 2010 by Emily

I woke this morning with a singular focus: take a nice long run, hopefully my longest yet, to start the day. For the past two weeks, I have been fighting a losing battle with the cold and dark, and have … Continue reading →

Posted in Death, fellow fighters, Life After Cancer, running | Tagged bonds, connection, Death, Facebook, friendship, heartbroken, inarticulate, Planet Cancer, reunion, social networks, sputtering, whiskey | 5 Comments

when hope is all we have: elizabeth edwards remembered

Posted on December 8, 2010 by Emily

Everyone has been writing tributes to Elizabeth Edwards over the last twenty-four hours. The grief which I felt upon learning of her death yesterday was likely no greater than that of anyone else who admired her but never knew her personally. But it may … Continue reading →

Posted in cancer, Death | Tagged control, courage, Elizabeth Edwards, hope, magical thinking, memoir, politics, second act, stage IV metastatic breast cancer, survival mechanism, wisdom | Leave a comment

three years on: haunted, miraculous

Posted on December 5, 2010 by Emily

When I last wrote, I’d just gotten a hard slap from cancer at the precise moment it seemed I was at long last beginning to put some distance between my life as defined by cancer and the life that I … Continue reading →

Posted in adoption, Family, fellow fighters, First Descents, Life After Cancer | Tagged adoption, cancerversary, check-up, First Descents, glass of wine, holidays, life expectancy, Market-Frankford El, Neil Finn, Perelman Center, rappel, shapeless sadness, Superior Court brief, surgery, therapy, Utah, Valentine's Day | 2 Comments

the wonder of the now (or, Cheesesteak 1, Shelob 0)

Posted on November 18, 2010 by Emily

As I was walking to court this afternoon, for what promised (and proved) to be a very uneventful hearing, I felt a strange sensation creeping over me. It was a faint sensation, not overpowering, but it was vaguely and disturbingly reminiscent of … Continue reading →

Posted in adoption, Life After Cancer | Tagged abdominal cavity, anniversary, anxiety, calendar, dread, emotional switches, head, Life on Earth, neuropathic feet, panic, running, Shelob | 2 Comments

leap of faith

Posted on November 13, 2010 by Emily

Thursday night, Mike and I attended a workshop on the effects of substance abuse during pregnancy. Our agency, Open Arms, does a fabulous job of making the adoption process all about “lifelong learning,” and one of the areas they want … Continue reading →

Posted in adoption, Family, Infertility, Life After Cancer | Tagged abdominal cavity, adoption, birth mother, chance, fetus, HNPCC, leap of faith, luck, Open Arms, pregnancy, reproductive organs, statistics, substance abuse, unpredictability | Leave a comment